Part of the Plan

Christmas has come and gone, and just like that another year is coming to a close. I am still trying to make sense of the last twelve months and the many lessons they served to teach my heart. I am more aware of my weaknesses today than I was a year ago. And despite everything, I am learning to see how that was a good thing, a needed thing.

I can still remember the few hectic months that were February through April. I spent weeks upon weeks under stress I hadn't experienced before, trying to meet expectations that seemed too much for me. But what I really learned was what failure feels like, and my heart's tendency to shrink away from it by any means possible. I learned that I do not like feeling like a failure. I learned that I am more of a perfectionist than I thought I was. And God really taught me that I still make things about my performance sometimes.

May through August had its own lessons. Things like trusting Him with my heart, and learning to forgive and give grace even when I have been hurt. I learned that I am caught in a tension between needing to be independent to feel like myself and desperately seeking intimacy with others that is so hard for me to find. I am still learning how to be open and honest while staying true to who I am.

I could lump the rest of this year into its own little category because it was just as maniacally busy as the first half of my year, but also carried its own struggles. More than anything, these past few months I have seen how easy it is to forget grace if you're not careful. I think that somewhere along the path of this year I let failures get to me. I let hurt get to me. And instead of coming to God with these things like I used to- like I loved to- I learned to bury them until I started believing that God shouldn't be bothered with them.

But I am so fond of the way God's grace pursues even after everything. I have dealt with everything from anxiety to loneliness to doubt this year but through everything God always finds ways to remind me of who He really is, not who my circumstances try to tell me He is. Sometimes I am so caught up in worry and busyness that all I have time to notice is the sudden moment when a little child bounds up to hold my hand and GRACE flashes before my eyes. Sometimes it's a leaf gently falling from a tree when I make a point to seek Him in creation again. And sometimes it's just a soft whisper, a quiet thought that says, "It's okay. No matter what you've been through this year, I've been with you. I am with you."

I remember coming to the realization a few weeks ago that God uses brokenness to mold those He's called. I know He has called me. That doesn't have to mean ministry or a certain lifestyle, though for me I believe it does. Before all that though, He has called me to be His. So He will use me. And as I look back on this year, I think that yes, it was a tough one. It put so much pressure on my heart and on my soul. But then I look at my God, the wonderful story-writer, the ever powerful universe-holder, and I think that yes, it's part of a beautiful plan.

#2014 #christian