The Things I Do and Don't Do

One of my favorite writers, Shuana Niequist, put a small exercise in one of her books that really stuck out to me. Talking about all the pressure we put on ourselves to be perfect- or at least portray ourselves that way- she wrote a genuine list of things she does, and things she doesn't do.

It's like a remedy for idealism and perfectionism. An honest look at the things you actually engage in- that truly matter to you- and those that you don't value as much. Obviously that doesn't mean it's not time to start working a little harder at some of the things you don't do. But the point of the exercise isn't to make you feel lazy. The point is to face the reality of who you are and realize both the things you could do more of, and those that really, it's okay if you don't.

So here is my list.

Things I do:

I drive. A lot. And I make good use of it most of the time. Partly by knowing how to avoid the madness that is traffic in this city, but also by using the time spent in my car to have real conversations with God. Now, I don't always do this of course. Many times I drive on auto-pilot, letting the randomness of the day's worries run through my mind. But in the times when I remember to, I blast a Bethel or Kari Jobe song and talk to God and am not afraid to let myself cry. Honestly when I really have a good conversation with God, I almost certainly will cry. And that's such a necessary thing for me.

I put my heart into my work, especially when someone has specifically asked me to do something for them. I don't like doing things halfway. If I'm going to do it, I'm going to make sure it's done as well as I can possibly manage.

When I write, I write with vulnerability. This must be because vulnerability is a pretty difficult thing for me, so it comes flowing out into the one place my self-expression thrives and there's little I can do to stop it. I don't try to be honest when I write or post blogs. I just can't help it. I need to work through my issues and my imperfections when I write, and I've come to find that this is a gift that can help me as much as others around me.

I am involved in my church. Getting to be there on a weekday even if it's only to do office work still feels like a privilege to me. There's something about my church that feels so much like home. And even on long days or days when I have other things to attend to, it's worth it for me to serve somehow.

I stop for nature. This is another one of those things I can't help. I notice trees and birds and the colors decorating the sky. I try to seek out nature when I can because nothing else relaxes me the way it does.

Lately, I pray immediately. And by lately I mean the last few weeks or so. I love it. I have taught myself that whenever the thought, "oh, I will pray for that/them later," comes into my mind, I need to pray right there and then no matter what I'm doing because I know myself and I will almost definitely forget a few minutes later.

Now comes the other list...

Things I Don't Do:

I don't clean my room. There, I said it. I don't really clean my car either, for that matter. It just does not seem like a pressing issue to me. As long as I know where things are, then what's the big deal if things aren't perfectly placed and organized? Okay, I'm not making excuses (I am, I know). I should probably work on this one. But it's the truth and quite frankly, it's not at all in my nature to be one of those people who regularly puts things back in their place.

I don't study like I should. I used to. Then somewhere in the middle of my college career I inevitably became a crammer because I realized that it worked for me and my test grades were pretty much the same either way. What's not the same though is my level of stress on the nights and mornings before exams.

I don't make to do lists, and if I ever do, I don't always keep them.

I don't meet a lot of new people. I don't seek out new social settings because they make me uncomfortable and I've had what I tell myself is enough of those awkward experiences. Like I said, vulnerability is not an easy thing for me when it comes to other people. So I choose the safer route and keep to myself and hope that someday, somehow, I'll find people who better understand me.

I don't really cook because I think it's boring and this is one of the things on this list that I really need to stop making excuses about.

I don't draw even though I am pretty good at it and I used to really enjoy it. But drawing is time consuming and so it has dropped down into the catergory of things-I-might-someday-do-if-I-have-absolutely-nothing-else-to-do.

Well, there they are. What's funny is Shauna says in her book that the first list was easy for her. It was the second list that was harder. For me, it's kind of the opposite. I'm well aware of the things I don't do, even though I like to turn a blind-eye to them most of the time. But it's hard to list out the things I do because I think I have developed the mentality that I am not really doing anything worthwhile at all.

And I am sure it has to do something with the fact that I know deep down how much I struggle with discipline. Isn't that obvious from the second list? It does not come naturally, though I don't like admitting that. The worst part is that the only way to be more disciplined is to literally discipline yourself to be more disciplined. But also, I think, to pray for it.

The truth is, I don't want to waste my life away with excuses. Yes, there are some great things that I make time for because at heart I am a dreamer and things like thinking and praying and finding nature make me happy and come naturally. But perhaps I am too comfortable lately. I don't need to strive for perfection. But there is redemption and grace in growing who you are and learning to be who God has created you to be.

#2015 #life