What I Learned as a Ministry Intern
- priscillawrites
- Jun 2, 2015
- 7 min read
I've been thinking back to my time as an intern with my church a lot lately because we’re coming up to the time last year that I was about to graduate internship (which is weird, because it definitely does not feel like it’s already been a year).
As I'm sure anyone who's graduated the internship program at my church can tell you, being an intern changes you in a way that few experiences can. Not only do you get to see what goes on the behind-the-scenes in ministry, you also end up learning so much about yourself- for better and sometimes, honestly, for worse. Part of it was the great books we were assigned to read and discuss- things like Daring Greatly and Tale of Three Kings (both of which I highly recommend). But most of it just came from the nature of the internship itself which tested your work ethic, habits, values... and everything in between.
To put it simply, going through internship felt like being submerged underwater while all my dark spots and weaknesses floated to the surface for all to see. When the year was over I felt like I had all my issues staring back at me in the mirror and there was no makeup strong enough to cover them. It was a tough thing to face about myself, but it was so necessary and I'm so thankful for it. I think God let it happen that way because otherwise how could He get to work on the struggles of my heart?
So here they are, written out for all the world to see. Because I have to start by being honest and vulnerable about them, even if they're not exactly easy to write about.
1. Perfectionism.
If you would have told me a few weeks before I started my internship that I was a perfectionist, I would have probably said, "Well yeah, sometimes, but not all the time. So it's really not that big of a deal." By which I mean that while I can get really picky and perfectionistic when working on certain projects, the fact that I tend to procrastinate and feel no need to do things like re-decorate my room or organize my car proves I don't really have a problem. The truth is that I am a sometimes-perfectionist. I only focus on making things perfect when they're important to me. I used to think that was a good thing, but internship showed me the dark side of perfectionism- in any amount.
I think perfectionism is at its heart an issue of control. It reveals a desire to make things perfect through our own efforts rather than trust God that we are enough, and that He is enough to fill in the gap of our imperfections. I used to think I didn't struggle with that. But after noticing how I couldn't bring myself to send in a project until it was exactly the way I'd imagined it, I started to realize that maybe I do. While doing things excellently brings honor to God, perfectionism does not because it is rooted in fear and a lack of trust. And I don't want to live from those things. I want to live from freedom and trust and joy. And that means sometimes I'm going to have to give up my desire for perfection.
2. Loneliness.
I'll be honest with you, I really hate that word, and I hate writing about it almost as much. But it's one of the biggest things I had to face during my internship year and honestly, it's something I still have to face. The reason I don't like writing about this though is because people tend to hand me simple, one-fix solutions like "you need to join a small group/meet more people/talk more." As if it was as simple as putting a band-aid over the whole thing. But loneliness isn't necessarily about people (or the lack of people) around you. It's a state of the heart. It's about feeling misunderstood and like no one really knows you, or can connect with you.
And, at least in my case, there's no simple cause for it. I know part of it is that I'm introverted and tend to avoid social gatherings where I don't know most people. The fact that opening up and being vulnerable with even those I do know also has something to do with it. But I know it's not as simple as just changing those things. Being in a program with 20 other interns really showed me that. There were days when I really felt lonely and it made no sense because I was surrounded by 20 other people in the same place as I was. But I yearned for intimacy and authenticity and belonging, and those things aren't always easy to find.
Yet loneliness has taught me so much about faith. God always reminds me that I am never truly alone. He is always near, and He understands and knows me like no one else can. He has also taught me patience- that even though sometimes it feels like an almost impossible obstacle to conquer- I will not feel this way forever. I know one day I will belong in a community that feels so much like home. And I'll probably need to learn to open up more and stop idealizing people so much before I can get there. But it's certainly not impossible. And God is enough in the meantime.
3. Fear of failure.
This is similar to the perfectionism struggle, but this one really attacked my whole procrastinating habit. The funny thing was that I most learned about it not necessarily through internship but through a sales program I was in at school during my internship year. I know- what on earth was I thinking, signing myself up for a sales program? I hesitate being the one to start a conversation, so I'm not sure how I convinced myself that cold-calls would be totally doable. But I did, and it was one heck of an experience.
During my sales program, I experienced something some would call self-sabotage. Okay, that's pretty much what everyone would call it. Because I so hated the idea of cold-calls (and frankly, of rejection), I procrastinated on meeting my quota until I was absolutely forced to make those dreaded calls to bring my sales in. It was, in a word... horrible. I experienced so much stress and anxiety even when I told myself I was procrastinating because I wanted to relax. At the end of the day I barely made it through, but I still felt like I had failed. And that was a really, really hard emotion to deal with.
It's tied to the perfectionism thing- the lack of trust, the need for control. I didn't want to face rejection or failure, so I ended up pushing off the uncomfortable experiences until I absolutely had to. And trust me, I was not better for it. But despite all the stress of that program, I don't regret that I did it- even during my already busy internship. I really needed to see that in myself- I needed to be pushed to my breaking point to see how I would react. I can't say i'm happy with the way I did, but I am glad that I was able to see how I need to work on this.
4. Getting disconnected.
The year before my internship was one of my favorite years ever. I was driving myself to college, taking long walks through the lovely shaded walks of campus, and having some of the best conversations with God I'd ever had. I picked up a habit that year of having Bible studies in my school's library, and they were absolutely changing my life. I was learning so much about Jesus- about how great He is, and about how he's the reason and the center and the answer to everything- and I felt at peace.
Then internship came and though I'd meant to keep having my quiet-times and Bible studies, I started pushing them off when life started getting too busy. There just did not seem to be time amidst the school assignments and book readings and service projects. And it didn't take long for me to see that manifest itself in my life. God loves us just as much when we're in a "strong season," always reading His word and praying as He does when we're distracted by other things. That's never in question. But the truth is that when we're not actively spending time with Him, our perspectives start to shift. Things that shouldn't worry us start to get to us, issues we thought we'd conquered come back up.
If there is one verse that sums this up so well, one verse that I really saw come to life through this, it's John 15:5. "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." Jesus is our vine. The more we stay connected to Him, the stronger we will be to bear fruit. There were a lot of good perspectives and habits that before internship I thought were part of my personality, but I came to find they'd really come from being connected to God. Because when I started to spend less time with Him, they began to weaken.
I know this was a list of only four things, but they really were the greatest lessons I learned during that year. They were tough, yes. But I'm so thankful for them, so thankful that God so graciously and tenderly lets us see our own struggles so that we can learn to trust Him to help us overcome them. That's what He is doing in me now, and what I know He'll keep doing.
Please don't be afraid when God shows you these things in your own heart. Don't be ashamed. He knew they were there before you did, and He still loved you. The only reason He's showing them to you know is because He doesn't want you to be burdened with them. And He wants us to see His power and His kindness as He helps us get through them.
There is purpose to all He does, even if the process sometimes stings a little ;)