The Strange Autumn Season

The season that I'm in right now is strange. I'm not going to pretend everything is flying smoothly and going perfectly according to plan. To be honest, there really isn't that much of a plan. I mean, I have a goal, sure, and it's a big one. Fundraising enough money to travel around the world for a year isn't exactly a small thing to commit to. But the reality is that because this is my first autumn season ever being out of school, it still feels so... empty. That's the wrong word, probably, but what I mean to say is that it seems undefined, like it's just waiting for me to map out a course and decide what this season is "supposed" to be about.

I know that it doesn't have to be that way, though. There doesn't have to be a set plan for this to be a wonderful season. There is beauty and purpose even in uncertainty because God is always purposeful, and always certain. To walk with Him through seemingly insecure seasons is to walk in full security anyway. Still, it's strange to go from routine and certainty to well... the exact opposite of it.

So that's what this season is. It's strange and different and my mind is still trying to come to terms with it. I feel so much pressure sometimes to be the driven, go-getter woman that society so often tells us we should be. You know the one I'm talking about: the girl in heels and a tight ponytail, who seamlessly goes from a two hour workout at the gym to a business meeting with a client. I've been able to resist the business part (and the heels, most of the time ;), but sometimes it's difficult to resist the pressure to be well, put together. It's like my mind is telling me, "Okay. You want to be different and do the World Race? Fine. Then do it. But you need a plan. You need a fundraising strategy and targets and the drive and determination to do it all in a record amount of time."

No matter how much I try to resist the pressure of taking my life into my control, it seems to find a way to creep its way back in anyway! Yet I know that there is some truth in that idea. I am an adult now (right? Graduating college is the official marker?), so I should learn to take more responsibility and I should be more motivated and disciplined and put together (if only enough for a one hour workout instead of two). But honestly, I'm not fully there yet.

So this is what autumn is looking like for me right now. I am learning to walk the line between my deep-seated individuality that insists I must not "go corporate" and instead chase wild dreams, and the reality that I need to start fully standing on my own two feet and finally become the woman I have always wanted to be.

If there's one thing i am sure of though, it's that God will be with me no matter which side of the line I lean towards. He's with me when I'm weak and unsure and failing, and He's with me when I'm motivated and driven and confident.

That's what grace is, you know. Grace is constant no matter what's going on around or within you. Grace is fiercely loyal. So I know that Jesus will always be beside me, cheering me on and leading me forward. He's the best friend/counselor/guide I could ever ask for.

Let Him be that for you, too.

:)

#christian #2015