Growth and Gratitude

I've been thinking about how half of the year has already passed and what to say about it. But lately, words have been kind of hard to come by (the irony of my blog name is not lost me, I assure you). I'm not really sure why. Perhaps it's a mix of life happening rather fast, and having quite a bit of it to process. Usually the first thing I do to process things is write. But not lately, I guess. Then again, 2019 has been different in many ways.

This will perhaps sound dramatic, but these last six months have felt like a full year. Not because they’ve been particularly stressful or anything. But like I said, they've been different. 2018 felt like a very peaceful year for me overall. It had its stressful moments of course. But I felt at peace throughout most of it. And then this year kicked off, and it's like a switch flipped. The funny thing is, I sort of asked for it. I remember praying early on this year for God to help me grow. He certainly answered that prayer.

The thing about growth is that it isn’t always comfortable (is it ever?). Most of the time, it's inconvenient, awkward and even painful. I’ve felt a little all over the place for much of this year, but that's because God has shown me a lot of things about myself. And you know what? I'm so, so grateful for it. That God loves us enough to take our prayers seriously, that he cares about who we are becoming. I love the way God helps us grow (even if I don’t always like it in the middle of it).

See, it tends to like this for me: 1) God showing me an area where I am weak that I hadn't even realized, which leads to 2) me being incredibly humbled and overwhelmed because I don’t know how to even begin changing it, and then 3) his grace stepping in, as He reminds me that it’s He who will change me, so long as I am willing.

I've experienced this over and over this year. And though at times I get quite stuck in the second part, when I get to the third stage, I find so much freedom. I remember discovering that awhile ago. After a year or so of feeling very at peace with everyone and myself, I suddenly felt restless and even impatient. It was a bit of a shock, because I think part of me had built that steadiness into my identity. Almost as if it was something to pride myself in. But then I began to learn that in my mess - in my impatience, in my humanity - there was grace. I don’t have to pretend to be someone else with God. I don’t have to polish up my image. It’s quite wild, but we can come to God with our frustration, with our anger, with our sadness, and He will not turn away. How He longs for us to bring our true selves to Him. It’s only then that He can begin His main work, polishing our edges and softening our hearts.

Another major thing I learned recently that I’ve barely written about is the incredible power of surrender. This has been something God has shown me before, but I saw it in a new way recently that left such a mark on my heart. Basically, God showed me how all my self awareness (and awareness of other people) can easily become a way to attempt to control situations rather than trusting Him. When I shut off all my thoughts and my analyzing (not an easy thing to do at first, let me tell you. I’ve kind of always been an over thinker), that’s when His Spirit steps in. It was Philippians 4:3 coming to life in a completely new way for me. The realization that I truly can do anything He sets before me, because if I surrender, it will be His spirit working through me.

Anyway. I don’t know if that all makes sense (like I said, still processing). But it’s probably my favorite thing God has shown me this year and I feel like it’s had a profound impact on my life already.

So yeah. 2019 has been quite the year already. I’ve learned a lot, and I can see growth, and it makes me so happy and grateful. I've said this before, but I don't ever want my character to stop growing and maturing. We look at so many external things to measure growth, and we think maturity boils down to adult responsibilities. But it goes so much farther. You know, I've truly learned both how week and how strong (through Him) I can be this year. And that's been such an incredible lesson.

Here's to the rest of 2019... :)