It's been about six weeks of quarantine over here. It feels quite strange typing that, but even stranger to try to explain what this all means, or how it has all felt. I feel strangely detached from some areas of my life right now (naturally, given the circumstances, I suppose), and blogging is honestly one of them. But here I am still trying. If only because I still believe in the beauty of being able to look back on past times of my life in this particular space that is mine, and mine alone.
I think though that to talk about this quarantine, about this whole crisis, actually, I have to make it clear that I'm only going to talk about one aspect of it in particular, at least for now. Because there is so much to it, and I don't even know how to begin to unpack emotions or thoughts about all of it. So I'll start with the parts of it that do make sense to me right now. Or at least, the parts that I'm currently trying to navigate. That's one thing I've learned throughout all of this too. You can't really navigate all of the aspects of this situation at the exact same time. You can alternate quickly, exploring certain feelings one moment, and entertaining other ideas the next. But it's impossible to sort everything out at once.
So I'm taking it in pieces. And today's piece is about control. Or perhaps a better word for it is independence. Our need to have the final say over what happens in our lives.
The ironic thing is, this is something I've been thinking about for well over a year. I've never thought of myself as someone who has a need to be in control, perhaps because I like flexibility and spontaneity, and I even like the challenge of adapting to change. But when you talk about my need for independence and autonomy... well, that's a different story.
It might help for me to explain why using the Myers Briggs personality theory, because that lays it out quite simply. My type, the INFP, is driven by something called Introverted Feeling, which is essentially a resolute commitment to your personal values above pretty much anything else in life. That means that while I am very open to consider the points of view of others, at the end of the day, I always hold tightly to what I have decided is right for me. It's almost funny to me how often this shows up in my life. Multiple times a day, honestly. But because it's introverted feeling, that means I tend to keep it to myself, not wanting to impose my values on others. I can't tell you how many times I've been in a conversation listening to someone's strong opinion, understanding where they're coming from, and yet, in my own mind saying to myself but these are all the reasons I don't agree, and this is not how I'm going to do things.
But the need to do things your own way is not always practical, is it? There are some areas of your life in which you have to relinquish more control than you're naturally comfortable with, and times when your desire to lead yourself will be at odds with the environment you're in. And to be honest, I don't have an answer on how to fully manage that tension. It's something I'm still figuring out. Because on the one hand, I know that God is truly the one who has control over our lives. And so we shouldn't fight to hold onto our independence so fiercely. But I've also been learning that I can't just switch off my emotions that easily. I have to wade through the discomfort and frustration to get to the other side instead of just ignoring them. It's something I'm still learning.
In the meantime though, I have found things that help. And one of those is to refocus on the areas of my life that do feel fully mine, that I have more of a say over. Like the new things I try, the things I learn, where I invest my time. These are things that truly belong to me. So when I find myself feeling a bit suffocated in other areas of my life, along with turning to God, these are the things I've been learning to turn to. And it helps. It doesn't just magically make all the other issues I'm working through go away, of course. But it helps me find my peace again, and somehow, find myself.
The reason this lesson feels especially relevant now is because it has honestly prepared me for this time in quarantine. Yes, there are parts of my life now that are no longer under my control. I can't just decide where I want to travel, can't just go anywhere I want, can't go back to my regular routine. It's uncomfortable and frustrating for all of us. But, just like I've learned this past year, there are always new places to look.
When one area of our life feels barren, if we look hard enough, we can always find another that's flourishing. And still more to sow into, so that they may flourish soon.
I don't just mean trying a bunch of new hobbies. I mean purposeful things like sowing into parts of our lives that we've neglected for a long time. Like exploring our dreams and motivations. Repairing a broken relationship.
This won't make all our frustrations go away completely. It won't fully get rid of our sadness, or our mixed emotions. It won't resolve our need to figure out why we like being in control so much. But it will lighten our load and help us rest when things start to feel too heavy. And sometimes, for the moment, that's really all we need.
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