The Value I Found in the Enneagram

I recently realized that I've been familiar with the Myers Briggs Type Indicator since I was eighteen, which means it's almost (but not quite) been 10 years of knowing my MBTI type. Of course, it is a personality test with limits, but I believe studying the MBTI has truly helped me understand myself, and others, a lot better.

The idea that we are all wired differently, and yet there's nothing wrong with that, is powerful and beautiful. I've come to understand why others see the world so differently than I do thanks to the MBTI. Why someone may value candor and reason above all, while someone else prefers subtlety and emotion. Though "typing" people isn't always a great idea, understanding the different dimensions of the MBTI has helped me pick up pretty quickly on whether someone might be more Feeling or Thinking oriented, or Introverted versus Extroverted. As long as you avoid putting people in a box or presuming to fully understand them, I think the MBTI can be a useful way to relate to people with empathy and an open mind, and help us to avoid offense because people don't see things the way we do.

Up until recently, however, I hadn't really gone into the depths of the enneagram, mostly because it's been a different journey to discover my type there. I think I bounced from a four to a nine and back to a four... And for the sake of trying to sort it all out, let me just let you in on why, though I truly believe I'm a four now, I have had some qualms about it in the past.

First, here are the ways in which I truly feel like a type 4:

• The fear of not having personal significance. It's crazy to think back over the major decisions of my life and realize that all of them have been motivated by my desire for meaning and significance, according to my own definition of those things.

• The need for creative expression. This may sound odd, but the main reason I am such a night owl is that most nights I feel restless until I write something or express myself in some way. It's as if my creativity must be utilized somehow before I go to bed, or the day almost feels wasted.

• Self-awareness, admittedly to a fault

• The whole, strong positive and negative emotions thing, and feeling many emotions at once. But especially the tendency to define myself by my current emotional state.

• Valuing authenticity and autonomy above almost everything else. I feel like a 9 on the surface sometimes because I tend to keep my opinions to myself and often go along with what others want. But internally, I always know where I stand, and most of the time, it is starkly different from others' opinions. I just don't feel the need to share that all the time. But I find a secret satisfaction in keeping things to myself, so perhaps that makes me more of a 4 than anything?

And the ways in which I don't, at least not most of the time:

• Embracing darkness and a fascination with death. I'm not sure if this is truly seen as a four thing, but it's not something I relate to. Most of the time I would rather not feel sad, actually. Not because I'm afraid of that emotion, but because, like I mentioned earlier, I often define myself by my emotions. So if I feel unsettled and negative for a reason I can't understand, I feel as if that is who I am, at least in that moment. This is why I saw myself as a 9 for a long time, I think. I highly value my internal peace. However, I do feel the need to work through negative emotions rather than ignoring them. And I love nostalgia and longing. I recently noticed that almost all I write revolves around those themes because they seem like the most moving and beautiful to me.

• The need to be unique for the sake of being unique. Yes, being unique is important to me. But I don't shun most mainstream things simply because they are popular. My tastes don't always line up with those things, but that's not (usually) because I look down on them.

• The feeling of being defective. This is a complicated one, and I'd certainly say that when I was a teenager I related completely to this. But now, it's not that I don't feel very different from others, but rather that I think I have come to understand why, and therefore I don't necessarily see it as a sign of "being defective." I'm too idealistic for my own good, not so great at being vulnerable, and probably more reserved than I ought to be. I'm aware of all these faults, and yet I don't know I would ever think they make me defective in comparison to others. I feel different most of the time, but while it can be a struggle, I can also see the value in it. To be quite honest with you, I think this might only be because of Jesus. Perhaps if I didn't understand the beauty of being both imperfect and enough, I would feel defective because of my differences.

All that to say, I do believe I am a type four, because that's the type that describes the deepest parts of me most fully. But if I were to describe myself ignoring the enneagram's rules, I'd say I'm a 4 with a bit of 9 (valuing peace and going with the flow) and a dash of 1 (high idealism and the desire to make a difference). I know, I know. That's not how it works. But it's helpful to me, so I like to think of it that way sometimes.

Back to the enneagram's rules though. Despite not feeling as much of a four as I feel an INFP, what I find beautiful about the enneagram is its usefulness as a tool for self-improvement. In all this recent self-discovery journey that the enneagram has taken me on, there is one thing that I read about being four that impacted me more than anything.

First, take a look at this quote from the Enneagram Institute that almost made me laugh in its accuracy:

"The problem is that they base their identity largely on their feelings. When Fours look inward they see a kaleidoscopic, ever-shifting pattern of emotional reactions... Because they want to create a stable, reliable identity from their emotions, they attempt to cultivate only certain feelings while rejecting others. Some feelings are seen as “me,” while others are “not me.” By attempting to hold on to specific moods and express others, Fours believe that they are being true to themselves."

And this is the advice that has stayed with me since I read it:

"Do not pay so much attention to your feelings; they are not a true source of support for you, as you probably already know. Remember this advice: "From our present perspective, we can also see that one of the most important mistakes Fours make is to equate themselves with their feelings. The fallacy is that to understand themselves they must understand their feelings, particularly their negative ones, before acting. Fours do not see that the self is not the same as its feelings or that the presence of negative feelings does not preclude the presence of good in themselves" (Personality Types, p. 172). Always remember that your feelings are telling you something about yourself as you are at this particular moment, not necessarily more than that."

I know this perhaps seems quite obvious, but wow, was it impactful for me to read. As someone who is constantly analyzing my feelings (especially later in the day when I am trying to make sense of it all), it's such a freeing thing to be reminded that negative feelings do not mean as much as I make them out to mean. That's not to say they aren't valid or worthy of being examined. But I so often find myself restless and unable to be at peace with myself when I feel "out of sorts," sad, or unlike myself for some reason. It's a good reminder that changing feelings don't mean that something in my identity or values has changed, and therefore they should not be as great of a focus as I tend to make them.

Anyway, that's all for my enneagram discussion. I selfishly still prefer the MBTI because I fit so seamlessly into the INFP description, but I do see the greater value of the enneagram. And I'm always on board with personality tests like these that, when used correctly, can be so much fun and helpful to understand one another.