Some Kind Of Dream

Sometimes I feel as if my whole life has revolved around one dream, one longing, that seems to follow me everywhere I go. And yet as time passes, the less I find myself sharing it with others. Perhaps because it’s so personal and special that I like holding it so close, and also, I just don’t want people to understand it unless they are going to fully understand it. And most of the time, I don’t know that I have the words to help them get there.

And so I don’t. It’s something I mostly carry around quietly, only between God and I, and most of the time, especially lately, it isn’t even present at the forefront of my mind. But occasionally I’ll hear or see something that reminds me. Someone else living it out in a way I thought perhaps would be mine (nothing to do with getting married or starting a family, by the way), and it’s not quite envy that meets me, but a return of that longing and wondering.

Over the years I’ve seriously asked myself the question if this is all just an excuse for me to have some unattainable (at least for the present) dream, because I am definitely the kind of person who likes to long for distant, ideal things. But even when I am so content and happy with my life, it remains. Even when I don’t dwell on it, it remains. And it becomes even more sobered by reality - I don’t expect it to solve all my problems, I quite anticipate it will be difficult and perhaps even take a lot of convincing for me to actually pursue.

Perhaps the reason is that I was not the one who planted it in my heart to begin with. It was God who put it there. So then, doesn’t it follow that He is the only one I can trust to make it grow?

The funny thing is, that is something that has actually gotten easier over the years. You would think the further I seem from it, the more unsure my heart would become, but it’s quite the opposite. Having to surrender my expectations of how all this will work out has made me somehow understand that this is God’s to work out, to initiate in my life when He knows the time is right for it. Save for the moments of deep longing that surprise me when I come across someone living it out already, I live most of the time with the assurance that time isn’t getting away from me; and somehow, things are working out exactly as they should.

And I’ve been asking myself how I can be so sure of that lately, when comparison and doubt would be so easy. But you know what I think it is? It’s the fact that I have come to know who God is even more now than before.

He is so good and kind and incredibly faithful (oh the stories I could tell you of his faithfulness in my life). He’s so wise too, so creative and deliberate and aware of every detail. And He just loves us each so deeply, truly like a Father. When you get to know that love for yourself (which is a gift He'll give us if we ask), that truth becomes so real and obvious. So how could I ever doubt this dream of mine is in the most capable hands? There are moments where I may wonder (because I’m human and quite prone to it), but then i remember who He is, and a new sense of excitement fills me.

His ways - the stories he writes for us - are so much greater. So call me idealistic, but I’d rather have that than anything I could come up with on my own.